LORD BROCKTREE, EPISODE V: THE COURT OF BUCKO BIG BONES
by RedwallFan42
Summary: Ungatt Trunn, son of Mortspear, Highland King of the North conquers Salamandastron and takes at least sixty hares as prisoners! But through the efforts of warrior Stiffener Medick and his otter friend Brogalaw, they escape. Lord Brocktree gets an army from the hare Bucko Bigbones, after Dotti defeats him in the first of many contests.


FADE IN:

 **SCENE I – COURT OF BUCKO BIG BONES – DAY**

The Court is situated in a broad, beautiful woodland glade, backed by a steep rocky hill, with a stream bordering one side, fringed with crack willow, guelder rose and osier. Any resemblance to a peaceful sylvan setting ends there. It's packed to bursting with teeming life.

LORD BROCKTREE's party wanders about, relatively unnoticed. There are moles, otters, voles, hedgehogs, mice, squirrels and shrews everywhere, but hares form the main presence. The Hares are big, strong, young and bold.

FLEETSCUT

(Nods in respect to the Hares, raises his voice so that DOTTI can hear him above the din, push and jostles his way through)

Well stap me ears, we've got a right bunch o' corkers here, miss. There's a lot o' mountain hares—one can tell by the remains of their white winter patches, wot. As for the rest, there's a few gypsies, but a chap can recognize the offspring of Salamandastron hares. D'y'know, I can pick out the ears an' faces of most—look just like their mothers an' fathers they do. Dearie me, it makes me feel jolly old, I can tell ye. Some o' these great lumps o' fur'n'bone, huh, I bounced 'em on me knee when they were tiny leverets!

DOTTI

(Pushes and jostles her way through, giggles at the thought)

Heehee, you'd get a blinkin' broken knee if you tried bouncin' any o' those big hulkin' boyos now, wot?

A carnival atmosphere reigns over the court. Groups of hedgehogs competed with oak clubs on hollow logs, try to outdrum one another; squirrels perform acrobatic feats, flying over the heads of the crowd. A mob of young otters lounge against a stack of barrels, with foaming tankards in their paws, roaring out bawdy songs with no pretense whatsoever to harmony or tune, volume seeming to take precedence over all else. Shrews and voles wrestle in packs, one team against another. Mice and moles cook over a huge open fire, laughing as they exchanged friendly insults about the results of each other's culinary efforts.

A motley orchestra sets itself up on the lower hill slopes. All manner of creatures scrape on fiddles, rattle tambourines, shrill on flutes and whistles, batter away at bodhrans—flat single-headed drums with double-ended striking sticks — and twanged a variety of odd stringed instruments. Some mountain hares even drone away on sets of bagpipes.

LORD BROCKTREE is the only badger present at the massive gathering, standing out head and shoulders above other beasts. His backslung battle sword receives many admiring glances, and not many creatures try to bump or jostle him — in fact, not any.

LORD BROCKTREE

(Winces, claps paws over both ears)

By my stripes, how any creature could put up with this infernal din is beyond me! Let's find somewhere less noisy!

LORD BROCKTREE's group take refuge on the streambank beneath a couple of crack willows, which afforded generous shade.

LOG A LOG GRENN

(Signals to KUBBA and RUKOO)

Kubba, Rukoo, find your way back t'the ford an' see if you can find a sidestream to bring our boats up here.

JUKKA THE SLING

(Springs moodily to a low willow branch, jabs her short spear viciously into the trunk, stares accusingly at FLEETSCUT)

I like it not, this place of loud fools. 'Tis an affront to the ears an' eyes, a gathering of madbeasts!

FLEETSCUT

(Notices JUKKA THE SLING staring accusingly at him)

Well, pish tush an' a pity about you, milady. What d'you want me t'do about it, eh? Do I run around shushin' them all up, or would y'prefer me to carry you back to your pine grove, wot?" Whirling her loaded sling, Jukka sprang down. "Thou hast insulted me enough, longears. Let's settle this thing betwixt us, here an' now!

LORD BROCKTREE

(Suddenly coming between them, knocks the sling awry)

Cast one stone, Jukka Sling, and I'll snap off the paw that does it and feed it to you!

A hare, with six others attending him, marched up to Brocktree.

WINDCOAT BRAMWIL LEPUS II

(Officiously)

By the cringe'n'the left, sah, you'll be the Badger Lord who's come a-visitin', wot! His Majesty King Bucko wants a word with you. Don't know who you other bods are, but y'd best wait here, wot!

FLEETSCUT

(Places himself in front of the officious young hare)

Aye, but one of these other bods knows who you jolly well are, earwag. Son of Bramwil, if I'm not mistaken. Hmm, y'won't remember me, but I knew you. Little fat feller with a runny nose, always sniffin' an' weepin'. What was it they called you? Dribbler, that was it!

WINDCOAT BRAMWIL LEPUS II, is a fine fit-looking beast, fit, tough, but rough and ill disciplined.

WINDCOAT BRAMWIL LEPUS II

(Sniffs, turns on his heel, huffily)

That, sah, was a nickname. I'm properly called Windcoat Bramwil Lepus the second. You may bring your retinue with you if you wish, Lord Badger!

LORD BROCKTREE

(Stifles a smile, address his creatures)

Fall in and follow me, retinue. Let's go and see this Bucko!

Steps made from logs lead up to the fork of an old cherry laurel, padded and draped with hanging velvet to form the royal throne.

KING BUCKO BIG BONES is bigger than most hares and obviously strong-framed. A broad belt girdled his ample waist, decorated with colored stones, polished arrowheads and lots of medallions. Around his head, though cocked jauntily over one eye, he wore a gold circlet interwoven with laurel leaves. In one paw he held a scepter of sculpted oak with a crystal chip set in its top.

KING BUCKO BIG BONES

(Lounges casually in the tree fork, one footpaw dangling, the other up against the outward-leaning left limb, casts an eye over his visitors as if they were of no great interest, dismissively)

D'ye no bow yer heids or bend a knee tae a king?

LORD BROCKTREE

(Equally dismissive)

We bow to no creature, even self-appointed kings. Do you not find it common courtesy to rise in the presence of a Badger Lord, instead of sitting draped up there like a drunken beast?

THE ROYAL GUARD surrounds the tree throne and puts paws to their weapons.

KING BUCKO BIG BONES

(Shakes his head at his ROYAL GUARD)

Nae call fer that, yon beastie'd prob'ly floor the lot o' ye. Jings, but yer a big 'un, an' saucy, too, as I heard. By the rocks! That's a braw battle blade ye bear. Ah'll trade ye for et, anythin' ye like!

LORD BROCKTREE

(Raises a paw, touches the double hilted weapon)

My sword wouldn't do you any good, and it's not for sale or trade. You and another like you couldn't lift it.

KING BUCKO BIG BONES

(Laughs, bounds down the steps, paw outstretched, grips LORD BROCKTREE's paw in applied pressure)

Och, I like ye well, mah friend. D'ye mean tae challenge me?

LORD BROCKTREE

(Stands smiling easily, allows KING BUCKO BIG BONES to squeeze his paw to the maximum, then he squeezes back)

KING BUCKO BIG BONES

(Becomes white faced and trembles, he's forced to his knees, manages a pained smile)

Jings, ah hope ye don't challenge me. Would ye not let mah paw free afore ye flatten et completely?

LORD BROCKTREE

(Releases the paw)

KING BUCKO BIG BONES

(Stands up, massages his paw, smiles ruefully)

LORD BROCKTREE

(Assuringly)

Don't worry, I won't be challenging you, but one of my party will. I'll let you know who when the time's right.

KING BUCKO BIG BONES

(Glances at LORD BROCKTREE's entourage, then dashes up to SKITTLES, kneels in front of the hogbabe)

Hah, so you're the wee terror who wants tae fight King Bucko, eh? Let's see whit ye can do then, mah laddie!

SKITTLES

(Needs no second bidding, jumps on the hare, begins pummeling him with his tiny paws)

I fight ya, Skikkles be's a good fighterer!

KING BUCKO BIG BONES

(Holds SKITTLES off, shouts in mock horror)

Ach, get the wild wee beastie off me or ah'll be kill't!

KING BUCKO BIG BONES (CONT'D)

(Still rubs his paw, winks at LORD BROCKTREE

Just as weel ye never breakit mah paw. Ah've got a challenge tae answer shortly. Gang ye along an' watch—'twill be a bit o' sport tae entertain ye. Guards, bring mah battlegown!

THE ROYAL GUARDS drape KING BUCKO BIG BONES in a magnificently embroidered cloak and he sets off, with LORD BROCKTREE and his entourage.

A log-circled ring is further down the streambank.

DOTTI stands between RUFFGAR BROOKBACK and GURTH to view the combat.

Creatures packed the circle's edge, fifty deep, while others climbed trees or took to the rocks. An enormous hedgehog stands to one side of the ring, a gang of his followers stroke his spikes and massage his hefty gnarled paws. He keeps shrugging his shoulders and sniffs a lot.

KING BUCKO BIG BONES enters the ring to deafening applause. He throws off his cloak, and joins both paws over his head and shakes them at his followers in salute.

There's a line scratched at the ring's center. KING BUCKO BIG BONES steps up to it, flexes both knees and rolls his head about to limber up.

The big hedgehog steps up, throws a few punches in midair and sniffs.

WOBBLE, a fat bankvole comes next.

WOBBLE

(Stands between the contestants, roars out the rules in a voice that puts a choir of crows to shame)

Good creatures h'all, h'attend my words!

The crowd fell silent.

WOBBLE (CONT'D)

(Swells his chest out)

Thiiiis daaaaay! H'a challenge 'as been given to yore king, Bucko Bigbones, the Wild March Hare of the North Mountains! By none h'other than Picklepaw Ironspikes, Champeeyun h'of the Southern Coasts! Roooools are as follows! No weapons or h'arms t'be used by either beast. Apaaaaart from that…h'anythin' goes! Theeeee fightah left standin' picks up the crown as victoooooor!

Silence continues.

KING BUCKO BIG BONES

(Gives his crown to WOBBLE)

WOBBLE

(Marches ten paces over the ground, holds it high, drops the crown)

As it hits the ground the fight starts.

You can't hear yourself think for the noise.

ROYAL GUARD

Och, gev hem the auld one two, Yer Majesty!

HEDGEHOG

Show 'im the Picklepaw Punch, go on, Ironspikes!

SQUIRREL

I'll give ten candied chestnuts to one on 'Is Majesty!

OTTER

A silver dagger to a copper spoon ole Ironspikes drops 'im!

WINDCOAT BRAMWIL LEPUS II

Watch out for his jolly old left, sire!

HEDGEHOG

Don't wait around, Ironspikes, gerrin there!

With a footpaw each on the line, the fighters face each other. Both duck and weave, though it's only PICKLEPAW IRONSPIKES throwing massive barnstorming swipes with left and right.

As yet KING BUCKO BIG BONES hasn't offered a single blow. He stood firm, merely bobbing and bending backward, avoiding each haymaker as it whooshed by overhead or either side of him.

KING BUCKO BIG BONES

(Smiles)

Ironspikes almost purple with anger and exertion.

DOTTI

(Whispers to GURTH)

What's King Bucko doing? Why doesn't he try to hit the hog?

GURTH

(Keeps both eyes on the fighters, assesses them)

Ee king be a gurt scrapper, miz, ee'm wurrin' ee 'edgepig daown. Lukkee naow, miz Dott, ee king gotten ole Ironspoikes!

The haremaid could not see how Bucko had the hedgehog beaten.

Suddenly PRICKLEPAW IRONSPIKES drops one of his paws and straightens up, just for a split second, but that's enough.

KING BUCKO BIG BONES crouches and swings a massive sideways left as he came up.

Bumpff!

It connects with PRICKLEPAW IRONSPIKE's jaw, his eyes roll and he falls like a stone, spark out!

The crowd roars!

DOTTI

(Shouting to make herself heard over the cheering)

Oh corks, what a fighter, what a punch! I'll bet nobeast could beat King Bucko, eh, Gurth?

GURTH

(Smiles at DOTTI)

Hurr, miz, nobeast cudd beat ee king at boxen, but oi bet moi tunnel a clever wrassler wudd, burr aye!

KING BUCKO BIG BONES picks up the crown and replaces it on his head. THE ROYAL GUARD drape his cloak about him, he leaps over the logs, right where Dotti stands.

KING BUCKO BIG BONES

(Winks roguishly at DOTTI)

Och, 'twas a piece o' cake, lassie. Yon hog was nought but a great fat brawler. Ahey, you're a pretty wee thing, ain't ye!

DOTTI

(Doesn't want to appear over impressed, stiffens both ears, looks distant)

Actually pretty's the wrong word, sah. I'm a fatal beauty, really. Runs in the family, y'know.

KING BUCKO BIG BONES

(Smiles, chucks her under the chin)

Och, away with ye, missie, ah've seen fatal beauties an' yer no one o' those. Still, like ah say, yer a pretty wee thing.

KING BUCKO BIG BONES sweeps by her and is carried off on the shoulders of his jubilant supporters.

DOTTI

(Lip quivers in sheer anger)

RUFFGAR BROOKBACK

(Notices DOTTI's quivering lip and angry features, puts a paw about her shoulders)

Ahoy there, me ole mate, wot's wrong with yore face?

DOTTI

(Shrugs off RUFFGAR BROOKBACK's paw)

Nothing. There's absolutely nothing wrong with my face. But I'll jolly well tell you something, Ruff. I don't like that cad Bucko King, or whatever he calls himself. I'd like to take the blighter down a peg or three, wot!

RUFFGAR BROOKBACK

(Stares at DOTTI in surprise)

An 'aremaiden like you, Dotti, d'you think you could beat 'im?

DOTTI

(Grinding her teeth audibly loud)

I don't think…I know I can beat the blusterin' bounder!

 **SCENE II – COURT OF KING BUCKO BIG BONES – NIGHT**

Campfires burn all over the glade area as night falls warm and soft. Lanterns hang in the trees reflect their colors into the stream.

KING BUCKO BIG BONE's court celebrates yet another victory by their ruler; the noise and merriment continues unabated.

Dotti sat with Fleetscut beneath the willow. The rest of their party had gone off to join in the fun and games.

The old hare had a worried look as he spoke to his young friend.

FLEETSCUT

I say, dash it all, miss Dotti, I was the one who should've challenged Bucko Bigbones, not you, a young haremaid, wot!

DOTTI

(Pours cider for FLEETSCUT)

Sorry, old chum, y'far too old, he'd eat you. Besides, you ain't the one he bloomin' well insulted. The honor of the Duckfontein Dillworthys was at stake—I had to challenge the rotter. Not a fatal beauty, eh? I'll show him!

The dark bulk of LORD BROCKTREE looms up out of the night.

LORD BROCKTREE

(Joins the two hares beneath the willow, shakes his head)

I delivered your challenge to Bucko Bigbones. Sorry, miss, he wouldn't accept it.

DOTTI

(Furiously springs up, eyes flash angrily)

Wouldn't accept it? What d'you mean, sah?

LORD BROCKTREE

(Shrugs)

He just flatly refused to accept any challenge from a young maid. I delivered the message formally, with due gravity and ceremony — it was all done with proper dignity.

DOTTI

(Quivering all over, apart from her ears which stand up ramrod straight)

And what did the blaggard say? Tell me, sah, word for word!

LORD BROCKTREE

(Paws fiddle about with a thin branch, explaining almost apologetically)

He said you should be at home, helping your mama to do the washing, and that the whole thing was a silly little joke. Then he laughed with his cronies for a while and told me to tell you there was no way he was going to fight a haremaiden. Said one tap of his paw and your face wouldn't be so pretty, not with a broken jaw. His final words were: 'Learn to cook and stay clear of real warriors, before you become fatally injured, with no chance of ever becoming a fatal beauty.' That's it, as best as I can remember, miss.

DOTTI

(Grabs FLEETSCUT roughly, hauls him upright)

Give me that barkscroll you were telling me about, the one found by that Rabblehog. Give it t'me this bloomin' instant!

FLEETSCUT

(Rummages in his tunic, produces the battered and stained scroll hurriedly)

DOTTI

(Snatches it from him)

Listen t'this, sah — the blighter's own challenge!

DOTTI (CONT'D)

(Voice shaking with temper, read the lines aloud)

Come mother, father, daughter, son, My challenge stands to anybeast! I'll take on all, or just the one, Whether at the fight or feast! Aye, try to beat me an' defeat me, Set 'em up, I'll knock 'em down! Just try to outbrag me, you'll see, King Bucko Bigbones wears the crown!

DOTTI (CONT'D)

(Waves the tattered barkscroll in LORD BROCKTREE's face)

Now, sah, you've heard it. Is that a challenge or not, wot?

LORD BROCKTREE

(Nods gravely)

Couldn't be any clearer, 'tis a challenge right enough!

DOTTI

(Quickly rolls the scroll and jams it in her belt)

Huh, that's flippin' well good enough for me. Come on!

DOTTI storms off, her footpaws almost punching holes in the ground.

LORD BROCKTREE

(A wide, knowing grin spreads across LORD BROCKTREE's face, takes hold of FLEETSCUT's paw, tugs him along in her wake)

Hurry along, old one, I wouldn't miss this for a feast prepared by Longladle himself. Things are going to plan, even better than I dared hope they would!

 **SCENE III – COURT OF KING BUCKO BIG BONES - NIGHT**

KING BUCKO BIG BONES is in high good humor. He sits on his treefork throne, swilling dandelion beer and laughing uproariously with his comrades as he relives the fight with PICKLEPAW IRONSPIKES that afternoon.

KING BUCKO BIG BONES

Och, the fat auld fraud wiz swingin' both paws like a windmill an' puffin' like a northeast gale, d'ye ken. So ah just ducked an' came up wi' mah guid auld left cross. Whacko! Did ye see the big braw pincushion topple, hahaha!

DOTTI

Aye, y'pick the easy marks, don't you, Bucko?

The laughter ceases.

All eyes turn on DOTTI, standing, paws akimbo, on the bottom log step.

KING BUCKO BIG BONES

(Waves his scepter dismissively at her)

Ach, awa' wi' ye, lassie, go an' look fer some babbies t'nurse.

Sycophant HARES around the throne guffaw loudly.

DOTTI

(Bounds up the steps, shakes out the barkscroll, thrusts it under the king's nose)

It says here that you'll fight mother, father, daughter or son. That's what it says. Right?

KING BUCKO BIG BONES

(Flicks the scroll from her paws with his scepter, tosses it over his shoulder)

Mebbe et does, mebbe et don't. Whit are ye gettin' so stirred up aboot, mah pretty one?

DOTTI

(Her paw prods him hard in the chest)

Don't you ever call me your pretty one, you great blowbag! I'm here to take up your challenge!

A ROYAL GUARD tries to lay paws on DOTTI for prodding his king. He freezes as a swordpoint from below tickles his tail.

LORD BROCKTREE

(Staring at the ROYAL GUARD)

Stay out of this, or I'll make it my fight with you!

DOTTI

(Prods KING BUCKO BIG BONES again, harder this time)

Well?

KING BUCKO BIG BONES

(Former good humor quickly deserts him)

Ach! Ah'm nae goin' tae fight wi' no wee haremaid. Whit d'ye think I am, a bully?

DOTTI

(Marches off down the steps, nose in the air)

Since you ask, sah, I'll tell you what I think you are. You're no king, just a liar an' a coward!

In the horrified silence that followed, KING BUCKO BIG BONES comes bounding down the steps after her.

KING BUCKO BIG BONES

(Paws clenched tight)

Yerrah! Ye whey-faced whelp, we'll settle this right here an' noo. Ah'll no have a lassie cheekin' me!

KING BUCKO BIG BONES (CONT'D)

(Scratches a line in the ground with his scepter, tosses it aside, places his footpaw on the line, snarls)

Get yer fuitpaw on this mark here an' spit like this!

KING BUCKO BIG BONES puts up his paws in fighting stance and spat over the other side of the line.

DOTTI

(With a frozen glare)

Didn't your mater ever tell you 'tis rank bad manners to spit? Disgusting habit, sah, but quite in keeping with your form, wot.

LORD BROCKTREE

(Steps in, points his sword at KING BUCKO BIG BONES)

No quick paw-the-mark scraps here, Bigbones. Let's do it properly at the designated time. Now, do you accept this hare's challenge, answer yes or no?

KING BUCKO BIG BONES

(In a murderous expression, in a grating voice)

Aye, stripedawg, ah accept the challenge. Ye'll be hearin' from mah seconds afore midnight!

LORD BROCKTREE

(Tips a paw to his stripes courteously)

Thank you, I'll look forward to it. I bid you good night.

As they stride off, LORD BROCKTREE takes FLEETSCUT's paw.

LORD BROCKTREE

Hurry, go and get Gurth, Jukka, Ruff and Log a Log Grenn. Tell them to meet us by the willows on the streambank. Go!

EXT. COURT OF BUCKO BIG BONES, LORD BROCKTREE'S CAMP – NIGHT

DOTTI looks shaken.

LORD BROCKTREE

(Pats her back gently)

Calm down now, miss. Temper's the sign of a loser — it affects the reason too much. We've got to start your education, and there's not a lot of time to do it in. That's always provided you want to win, eh?

DOTTI

(Manages a smile)

Oh, I want to win all right, sah!

 **SCENE IV – SAND DUNES OUTSIDE SALAMANDASTRON - DAWN**

STIFFENER MEDICK leads his friends over the dunes toward the cliffs. Dawn's first slivers of light show a pale-washed grey behind the limestone heights. Rain teems down unabated, squalled by the wind that flattens the dunegrass. Wet and weary they stumble onward, assisting one another through the soft sand.

BROGALAW

(Pops right in front of STIFFENER MEDICK)

STIFFENER MEDICK

(Nearly jumps out of his skin)

BROGALAW

Aye aye, wot's this then, the old hares' outin'? Ain't picked out very good weather for it, mate, 'ave ye?

STIFFENER MEDICK

(Immediately recognizes the creature as a friend, blows a dewdrop of rain from his nose, grins)

No we ain't! Tell you somethin' else, too, we've lost our picnic baskets—linen, cutl'ry, vittles, the lot!

BROGALAW

(Throws a paw around STIFFENER MEDICK's shoulders)

Worse things 'appen at sea, eh? Not t'worry, me ole lad, we'll find ye a dry berth an' a mouthful 'round the fire. My name's Brogalaw, Skipper o' Sea Otters, but let's get you an' yore fogeys in out the rain, then we'll natter.

BROGALAW, a sturdy sea otter Skipper, leads them to the cliffs.

BROGALAW (CONT'D)

(Claps paws to his mouth, shouts at the blank stoneface, fighting to make himself heard above the storm)

Ahoy the holt, 'tis only Brog wid some ole hares wot've escaped from the wildcat's bluebottoms on the mountain!

TROBEE

(Coughs politely to gain the otter's attention)

Beg pardon, old boy, but how'd you know that?

BROGALAW

(Winks)

'Tis like this, messmates. We're sea otters, see. Lived down the coast, south apiece. Quite 'appy we wos, 'til ole Ungatt arrived with 'is blue vermin. I tell ye, we just about got away with our lives that day. 'Ad to run fer it an' 'ide, we did. Those vermin commandeered our best two ships. So there you 'ave it. We sneaked up the coast after 'em, tried to take our ships back. No luck, o' course — far too many of the swabs fer us. Enny'ow, 'ere we be, sittin' in this cave, waitin' our chances, an' 'opin' fer better times t'sail along!

A sea buckthorn bush growing against the cliff face was pushed aside at one corner.

The homely face of the otterwife FRUTCH appears.

FRUTCH

(Nose twitches disapprovingly)

Lan' sakes, Brog, get those pore beasts in out the weather.

They file inside, and stare about. It's a big, rough and ready cave, full of otters and a fully grown grey heron which stands immobile on one leg, watching as BROGALAW groups them about the fire. Bread is brought to them, with cheese baked on top of it.

From a cauldron by the fire, the HARES are served with steaming bowls of stew.

FRUTCH

(Watches appreciatively as they eat hungrily)

Good, ain't it? That's my special tater'n'whelk'n'leek chowder. I'm Brogalaw's mum, Frutch. Ahoy, Durvy, break out some seaweed grog an' give this crew a beaker apiece. Haharr, that'll put the life back in ye!

STIFFENER MEDICK can hear the rain outside battering the cliff face as he sits on the warm sand around the fire with his friends,

Old Bramwil tells the HARES' tale of woe to the SEA OTTERS.

The goodwife FRUTCH, a softhearted creature, weeps silently as she listens.

FRUTCH

(Dabs her apron to the tears)

Oh, woe is you, pore beasts, least they never slayed nor imprisoned none of ours. Can't we 'elp 'em, Brog?

BROGALAW

(Raises sand with his rudder)

There there now, me liddle mum, don't go floodin' us all out wid yore tears. Y'll 'ave me blubbin' soon. Wot sort o' creatures'd we be if'n we didn't give aid to others worse off'n ourselves, I ask yer? 'Course we'll 'elp!

STIFFENER MEDICK

(Grateful)

Thank you Brogalaw, you're too kind.

BROGALAW

(Claps a paw on STIFFENER MEDICK's back)

Aye, war make strange bedfellows of us all mess mates. But 'ere now. Think on it. If we help you, we help ourselves see? We get to help you strike back at Ungie Blueface and we'll use those opportunities to try and get our ships back!

BRAMWIL

(Moves nervously away from RULANGO)

Er, don't mind me askin', Brog, but what's that big bird doin' living with you, wot?

BRvcOGALAW

(Strokes RULANGO's snakelike neck fondly)

Oh, this feller. Nice ole cove, ain't he? Name's Rulango. Been with us since he was a chick. Never speaks, fends an' feeds for hisself an' washes twice a day in the sea, don't ye, mate?

BROGALAW stops stroking and RULANGO nudges his paw with its long, pointed beak, wanting him to continue.

BROGALAW

(Chuckles)

I forgot to tell ye, don't ever start strokin' his neck feathers. You could stroke all season an' it still wouldn't be enough for 'im. This bird likes t'be stroked plenty! Now, let's get ye sorted. There's pals o' yours, you think, still on the mountain, but y'don't rightly know where, eh?

BLENCH

(Toys with a nice chowder ladle)

Aye, that's true, sir. I can't stand the thought that those vermin villains might be doin' nasty things to 'em!

BLENCH (CONT'D)

(Begins sobbing)

FRUTCH

(Sits down beside her, gives her a clean kerchief, they sobbed together)

BROGALAW

(Twiddles his ruddertip awkwardly)

Ho, I can't be a-doin' wid this. Lookit them, waterin' the chowder down. Action, that's wot we need. Durvy, me'n'you'll take a scout 'round the mountain. Rulango, me ole fishgrubber, would you take a flight 'round the mountain an' see wot y'can see? Sail careful, though— watch out fer those blue vermin. Still, if'n the bad weather 'olds out, most of Ungatt's rascals should stay inside the mountain. Well, no time like the present. Let's get under way, mates!

STIFFENER MEDICK

(Rises, dusts warm sand from himself)

I'll come with ye, Brog.

BROGALAW

(Won't hear of it)

Yore much too wearied. Y'need sleep, Stiff mate. Come on now, y'ole codfish, a nice nap by the fire'll do yer a power o' good. We'll be back by the time you wake. If we ain't, then tell Blench an' me mum a few funny stories, cheer 'em up. You'll be doin' me a big favor. G'bye now!

BROGALAW, DURVY and RULANGO leave before anybeast could argue.

SCENE V – SALAMANDASTRON - DAY

RIPFANG and DOOMEYE, like most searats, are hard and cruel, and they enjoy their new positions as horde captains. They sit by a small fire they had made from the remains of the oil barrel staves.

RIPFANG

(Pokes at the fire with a long willow cane, watches the three creatures searching the cavern, calls out to them at frequent intervals)

Hey there, Fraul, stay where I kin see yew. Don't go hidin' in dark corners where y'can catch a quick nap!

FRAUL

(Complains)

How are we supposed to find anythin' if we can't search?

RIPFGANG

(Struts over to FRAUL, swishes the cane)

Git that paw out. I'll teach yer t'cheek an officer!

FRAUL

(Hesitates)

DOOMEYE

(Fits an arrow to his bow, aims at FRAUL, draws the string)

Do like 'e sez, stupidface. I'm warnin' yer, I never miss.

FRAUL

(Completely humiliated, holds out his paw)

 _ **Swish!**_

RIPFANG delivers a stinging cut of the lithe willow.

FRAUL's face goes tight with pain, and he drops his paw.

RIPFANG

(Smiles at him, lifts FRAUL's paw with the cane)

Like some more, or 'ave yew learned yer lesson, winklebrain?

FRAUL

(Keeps his eyes fixed on the ground)

Captain Ripfang sir, I've learned my lesson, Captain Ripfang.

RIPFANG

(Smirks at DOOMEYE)

See, mine's learned now. Every time 'e speaks t'me it's gotta be either sir, or captain, or Captain Ripfang. 'Ow's your's a doin'?

MIREFLECK

(Trying to appear unobtrusive behind a fat stalagmite)

DOOMEYE

(Keeps the arrow notched, calls to MIREFLECK)

Stand out where I can see yore worthless 'ide, yew scum!

MIREFLECK

(Hastens to obey, shouts echoing in the cavern)

Yessir, Captain Doomeye sir, right away, sir!

DOOMEYE

(Looks slightly exasperated)

This one does everythin' y'tell 'er. She ain't much fun. Prob'ly 'cos she knows she can't run faster'n an arrow.

RIPFANG

(Sits back down by the fire)

How d'ye know she can't? Go on, try 'er!

DOOMEYE

(A wicked smile hovers on DOOMEYE's face, sights along the arrow, shouts sharply at MIREFLECK)

Run!

MIREFLECK is fast, but not as quick as an arrow.

DOOMEYE (CONT'D)

(Looks stunned, drops the bow)

Yew made me do that. I didn't mean to slay 'er. Wot'll the wildcat say? 'E might 'ave me killed with an arrer.

RIPFANG

(Gives DOOMEYE a playful shove)

Don't be stupid. 'Ere, watch this an' lissen. Fraul, Groddil, get yerselves over 'ere, on the double!

FRAUL and GRODDIL scurry across, saluting.

TOGETHER

Yessir, Captain Ripfang sir!

RIPFANG

(Adopts a serious face, in a grave tone)

Did yew 'ear that Mirefleck? Shoutin' an' sayin' nasty 'orrible things about 'Is Mightiness, terrible things, things yer couldn't repeat. Did you two 'ear 'er?

The willow cane points from one to the other as they answered.

FRAUL

Yessir, Captain Ripfang sir!

GRODDIL

We both heard her, Captain Ripfang sir!

RIPFANG

(Shrugs, winks at his brother)

See?

DOOMEYE

(Grins as recognition dawns upon him, is struck by another idea)

Aye, an' did you both see that 'un attack me'n'this other captain an' try to escape?

FRAUL

Yessir, Captain Doomeye sir!

GRODDIL

We both saw it all, Captain Doomeye sir!

RIPFANG and DOOMEYE titter like naughty babes who had wriggled out of being punished.

RIPFANG

(Nods toward the body of MIREFLECK)

Tie that thing with rocks an' sling it in the pool, then git on wid yore searchin'.

GRODDIL

(Bows respectfully)

We need rope to do that, Captain Ripfang sir.

DOOMEYE

(Looks at GRODDIL as though he's stupid)

Then go an' get some rope, lots of it. We needs to tie youse two up tight tonight. You'll be stayin' down 'ere. Us captains got to get some decent rest an' 'ot vittles. Well, don't stan' there lookin' gormless, move yerself!

GRODDIL gets lots of rope, a great coil of line from one of the ships.

EXT. SALAMANDASTRON - NIGHT

GRODDIL and FRAUL are bound together from tails to necks.

RIPFANG

(Tests the knots, pushed the two bound captives down)

Make sure yer get a good sleep now, you'll be busy tomorrer. Hahahaha! G'night!

CAPTAIN RIPFANG and CAPTAIN DOOMEYE leave.

FRAUL

(Growls at GRODDIL angrily)

Why did ye bring so much rope? I can 'ardly move a whisker. We'll be no good fer anythin' in the mornin'!

GRODDIL

(Even angrier)

Then be still and shut your useless mouth. I didn't bring all this rope down here just to be tied with it. Those two mudbrains don't know it, but I've found where the longears made their escape from. There's a way out of here!

FRAUL

A way out? Where?

GRODDIL

(Lies still)

I'll tell you when you've chewed through this rope. Now get your teeth working, stoat. We'll need this rope to reach the place — that's why I brought so much!

GRODDIL and FRAUL are back to back, but he can hear FRAUL gnawing at the rope.

GRODDIL (CONT'D)

And don't be all night about it. We'll be lucky to last another two days with no food and those cruel fools guarding us. Chew harder, Fraul. It's either get away tonight or we're both deadbeasts!

 **SCENE VI – BROGALAW'S CAVE – EARLY EVENING**

Early evening of that same day sees BROGALAW and DURVY returning to their cave.

STIFFENER MEDICK and the HARES are awake, eagerly awaiting any news the sea otters could disclose to them. But there is none.

BROGALAW

(Stands before the fire, steam rises from his fur, sips a bowl of broth)

Rain ain't let up by a drop. I tell ye, the wind fair chases it 'round every rock on that mountain!

DURVY

(Joins his Skipper, sips bowls of broth)

STIFFENER MEDICK

(Not wishing to appear ill-mannered or impatient, lets a short time elapse before asking a question)

Did you catch sight of any hares, Brog?

BROGALAW

Sorry, matey, but we didn't. Searched high'n'low though, didn't we, Durvy?

DURVY

Aye, we did that, but all we saw was foul weather, wet rock an' the odd glimpse of blue vermin. Nary a hare. Is Rulango returned yet?

FRUTCH

(Feeds the fire with driftwood)

Oh, that ole bird'll turn up when it suits him. I'd wager he's out fishin'. Rulango likes to fish in the rain.

Thoroughly dejected, the HARES lounge about, constantly looking toward the entrance to see if RULANGO will show up.

 **SCENE VII – BROGALAW'S CAVE – NIGHT**

Night falls and there's still no sign of RULANGO.

Two younger otters take out a whistle and a small drum and began play a pretty tune.

RAUCUS

(Beats his drum, sings)

Oh I am a sea otter I lives by the sea,

I knows every tide ebb'n'flood,

An' I'll never break free from the sea, no not me, 'Cos the sea's in a sea otter's blood.

RAUCUS (V.O.)

Haul yore nets in mates an' let everybeast wish,

That tonight we'll be dinin' on saltwater fish!

Well I've seen 'er stormy, sunny an' calm,

An' I've tasted the good, briny spray,

Just show 'er respect an' she'll do ye no harm,

Well I've seen 'er stormy, sunny an' calm,

An' I've tasted the good, briny spray,

Just show 'er respect an' she'll do ye no harm,

She'll send you 'ome safe every day.

Throw those pots in mates, down deep t'the sea, Tonight you an' me'll 'ave lobster for tea!

Them waves come a-crashin' on out o' the blue,

Aye big rollers all topped white with foam,

I sees my ole boat prow a-cut 'em clean through,

An' I sings then a-sailin' back 'ome.

We're ashore now mates, let yore mains'l go limp,

I've brought my ole mum a great netful o' shrimp!

Scarce do the OTTERS finishs singing when RULANGO stalks into the cave.

BROGALAW

(Strokes RULANGO's neck)

Well now, about time you showed up, mate. Did you 'ave a good feed o' fish out there?

RULANGO

(Nods several times)

ROGALAW

(Tickles his crest)

Yore an' ole scallywag, fishin' while these goodbeasts are waitin', gnawin' their whiskers for news o' their mateys. So, what've ye got t'say for yoreself?

RULANGO

(Taps the sandy floor with his widespread talons)

BROGALAW

(Smooths out an expanse of the sand, winks happily at STIFFENER MEDICK)

Our friend's got news for us. Watch this. Right ho, me ole bird, tell these creatures what ye saw.

RULANGO begins drawing in the smooth sand with his beak.

STIFFENER MEDICK

(Moves close, interprets what he saw)

There's the coastline an' the sea…now he's sketchin' out our mountain. Look at this, Bramwil!

BRAMWIL

(Joins STIFFENER MEDICK, watches admiringly)

I say, this bird is a good artist. That's Salamandastron sure enough, viewed from the seaward side if I'm not mistaken. What's that? Oh, I see, it's him, circling round the rocks, about three-quarters of the way up. Hmm, he's drawing a circle in the mountain. Wait, 'tis a window hole, near the top level. But I don't understand—what are all those funny leaf-shaped things he's sketching inside the window hole?

STIFFENER MEDICK

(Stares hard at the leaf shapes)

Strange-lookin' things. I can't tell what they are.

BROGALAW

(Identifies them without hesitation)

Why, bless yore 'eart, matey, they're long ears, just like yours. Good bird, you've found where Trunn's keepin' the hares locked up. Is that right?

RULANGO

(Nods his head emphatically, then retires to a corner, where he perches on one leg)

BLENCH

(Views the sketch with dismay)

Oh lawks, we've no chance of climbin' up that 'igh. Wot's t'be done, Stiffener?

STIFFENER MEDICK

(Bites his lip, scratches his whiskers)

Aye, what's t'be done? A difficult question, marm!

TROBEE

(Slumps moodily by the fire)

Of all the rotten luck, chaps. The blinkin' bounder has locked 'em up in a place far too high for us to do anythin'. I mean, how in the name o' sufferin' salad are we supposed t'get up there, eh, eh, wot, wot?

FRUTCH

(Looks appealingly at TROBEE)

Oh, say you can 'elp the pore beasts, Brog!

BROGALAW

(Closes his eyes patiently)

I'll give it a try, Mum, but don't go gettin' yore 'ankychief out an' weepin', or I won't be able to think of anythin'. Quiet now an' let me ponder this.

FRUTCH

(Blinks back grateful tears, avoids reaching for her kerchief as she smiles at BLENCH)

Don't ye fret, m'dear. My Brog'll find a way to 'elp ye!

Silence reigns in the cave.

Outside the wind whips up the rain into a fresh assault on the cliff face, and waves are heard breaking on the shore.

BROGALAW

(Nods to himself a few times, as if confirming his thoughts, opens his eyes)

Right, mates, 'ere's the top'n'bottom of it all. 'Tis too 'igh for us t'climb up to 'em. But they could climb down with the right 'elp. This is my plan. We needs ropes, good long 'uns. Once we've got 'em, Rulango can fly the ropes up to yore mates an' they can lower themselves down!

WILLIP

I don't see any great long ropes hereabouts. You'll forgive my sayin', Brog, but the plan won't jolly well work without ropes.

BROGALAW

(Forced to agree with WILLIIP)

Yore right, marm. Ahoy, Rulango's drawin' again!

BROGALAW (CONT'D)

(Takes one look at the sketch)

Yer a crafty ole wingflapper, mate. Durvy, Kolam, Spraydog, come with me'n'Rulango. There's work t'be done!

EXT. UNGATT TRUNN'S BEDCHAMBER IN SALAMANDASTRON – NIGHT

Begin Dream Sequence.

UNGATT TRUNN's dreams are haunted by the shadowy form of LORD BROCKTREE with a sword, a big double-hilted war blade, getting closer each night.

 **SCENE VIII – BAY OF SALAMANDASTRON – NIGHT**

Cloaked in lengths of old sailcloth, TWO BLUE HORDERATS stand on deck and watch on the bows of one of Ungatt Trunn's vast flotilla of vessels, which are anchored in the bay facing Salamandastron.

Both RATS blink rain from their eyes, and stare miserably at the mountain.

RAT ONE

Bet they're all sittin' snug an' dry in there tonight, mate.

RAT TWO

Aye, quaffin' grog an' fillin' their bellies wid vittles.

RAT ONE

Nah, I wouldn't go s'far as to say that. Vittles is short an' grog's only fer Ungatt Trunn an' 'is cronies. I'll bet we gets stuck on 'alf rations in a day or so.

RAT TWO

Mebbe yore right, cully, but I wager they're all warm'n'dry an' sleepin' their fat 'eads off, snorin' like 'ogs.

RAT ONE

Huh, an' look at us beauties, stannin' out 'ere on deck watch in the storm, soakin', cold, 'ungry an' sleepy!

RAT TWO

Whoa! Wot was that?

RAT ONE

Wot? I didn't see nothin'. Wot was it?

RAT TWO

Like some kinda big bird, swooped down aft there!

RAT ONE

Never! I thinks you needs some shuteye. Y'see funny things when yore tired, or at least you thinks you sees 'em.

RAT TWO

But I did see it, I'm certain I did, down at the stern end!

RAT ONE

Well, let's go down an' take a look. If 'tis there, a quick chop of me cutlass'll settle it. I'll take it down t'the galley an' we'll share it wid the cook.

Both rats stagger down the slippy deck, clinging to the rails, and climbed the stairs to the stern peak.

RAT ONE

Well, where is this big bird o' yours?

RAT TWO

Er, it musta flew off, but I saw it!

RAT ONE

Arr, yer talkin' through yore tail, mate. There wasn't no big bird 'ere. All the birds is long gone.

RAT TWO

Oh, they are, are they? Then tell me, where's that big thin heavin' line that was coiled up, right where yore stannin'?

RAT ONE

I don't know, cleversnout, you tell me?

RAT TWO

The big bird took it!

RAT ONE

Why, 'cos it thought it was a giant worm? Don't talk rubbish, mate. The 'unger's gone to yore 'ead. That fox Groddil musta took it. He was 'ere t'day, lookin' fer ropes.

RAT TWO

No, I'd take me affidavit the rope was 'ere when we came on watch. I saw it!

RAT ONE

Aye, just like y'saw the big bird. Lissen, mate, you keep on seein' big birds an' vanishin' ropes an' I'm not comin' on deck watch with you anymore!

EXT. – SLOPES OF SALAMANDASTRON - NIGHT

RULANGO drops the last rope to BROGALOG and his otters, who wait in the sea. Silently they coil nine strong, thin heaving lines about them and swim off shoreward, swift and sleek.

 **SCENE IX – BROGALAW'S CAVE - NIGHT**

DURVY causes great merriment back at the cave as he relates what he's heard, imitating the vermin voices expertly, while BROGALAW knots the heaving lines into one massively long rope.

PURLOW

(Watches the long coils build up into a great thick cylinder)

Great seasons, nobeast'd be able to lift that whackin' huge thing. How do we move it to the mountain?

BROGALAW

(Having thought it all out carefully)

Nine of us forms a line, each one carryin' only a single rope's length. When we reaches yore mountain, Rulango takes the end an' flies up t'the window an' passes it to 'em. No fancy twiddles, mate, a plain'n'simple plan. But not to worry. Me an' my crew will do it—you rest 'ere.

STIFFENER MEDICK

Sorry, Brog, but I'm comin' with you, mate. 'Tis my sworn duty. I wouldn't feel right, lyin' warm an' dry here while your otters were out facin' all the danger. I'm going!

BROGALAW

(Shakes STIFFENER MEDICK's paw warmly)

'Twill be a pleasure to 'ave ye along, Stiff mate. Now there's no time to lose while 'tis night an' bad weather. If we puts a move on, there's a chance we could get yore messmates down from the mountain afore daylight. Hearken, crew, we got a hard'n'fast night's work. Let's be about it!

 **SCENE X – CLIFFTOPS OUTSIDE SALAMANDASTRON - NIGHT**

STIFFENER MEDICK bears his section of the rope as well as any sea otter. BROGALAW dog-trots along in the lead, staying to the clifftops, which are easier to travel than the deep sands of the dunes. All nine creatures wear hooded cloaks of soft green-dyed barkcloth. Spume whips from the high-crested waves by the rain-sheeting wind, while dried-out seaweed flotsam from the tideline tumbles crazily about on the wet sand.

The sky is moonless, strewn with banks of dark scudding cloud. Ahead of the column, RULANGO wings low over the stunted grass, striving to keep a straight course to the distant mountain.

BROGALAW had spoken truly: it was a task which was proving to be both hard and fast.

They halt not far from Salamandastron's base. BROGALAW and STIFFENER MEDICK, accompanied by RULANGO, go ahead to scout out the lay of the land.

The OTHER SEVEN SEA OTTERS sit down on the lee side of a hillock, still carrying the rope. They rest, but stayed alert, ready to go again at a moment's notice.

On reaching the sheer rock face, BROGALAW, STIFFENER MEDICK and RULANGO crouch in the shelter of a bushy spur.

BROGALAW

(Whispers)

Ahoy, Stiff, yore familiar with this place, be there any exits or entrances 'round 'ere, mate?

STIFFENER MEDICK

(Blinks out into the rainwashed night)

Not 'round 'ere, Brog. Ssshh! Somebeast's comin'!

On leaden limbs, SKEL, the weasel sentry, plods by, keeping his head down against the weather, and glances neither left nor right.

BROGALAW

(Breathes a sigh of relief as the weasel is swallowed up by the night)

Ship me rudder, mates, that was close!

However, he speaks too soon. Another WEASEL SENTRY comes in the opposite direction hears BROGALAW as he marches by.

REGGO

(Thrusts into the shadows with his spear, calls for assistance to SKEL who had just passed that way)

Hoi, Skel, back 'ere, quick!

REGGO (CONT'D)

(Shouting uncertainly)

I knows yer in there. Come out now an' show yerselves. Skel, will you 'urry up? I got prisoners cornered 'ere!

STIFFENER MEDICK comes out at top speed, bounding and leaping. He catches the nervous guard unawares and floors him with a massive uppercut. Flinging aside his cloak, he grabs the fallen guard's helmet, shield and spear. Clapping the helmet on, he holds the shield high, masking his face, beckoning BROGALAW and RULANGO to step out, as if he had captured them.

SKEL

(Rather slow and cautious, SKEL appears out of the darkness, approaches STIFFENER MEDICK warily)

Where'd ye find these two, Reggo?

STIFFENER MEDICK points around the darkened spur with his spear.

STIFFENER MEDICK

(Mutters gruffly)

In there!

SKEL

(Edges forward, peers around, sees his companion lying sprawled on the ground, turns quickly)

You ain't Regg—Unh!

STIFFENER MEDICK's oaken spear butt raps him sharply between the eyes and he drops without a sound.

BROGALAW and RULANGO drag the two unconscious guards into the bushes.

BROGALAW

(Begins looping the rope end around RULANGO's long bony leg)

We'll stay down 'ere an' pay the line out, mate. You fly up there an' give 'em your end, they'll know what t'do.

STIFFENER MEDICK

(Glances up at the sky)

Too late, Brog. 'Twill be dawn in an hour or so. The journey here took longer than we thought. My friends are old—they wouldn't stan' a chance in broad daylight, out on the mountain face.

BROGALAW

(Reluctant forced to agree)

You got a good point there, Stiff. So, what's the drill now?

STIFFENER MEDICK

(Makes a quick decision)

Only one thing for it, friend. Let Rulango take the line up. When they makes it secure I'll shin up there an' tell 'em what's goin' on. I'll take me cloak an' stop with 'em. You an' the bird go back an' hide out with yore otters for the day. All of you come back 'ere at nightfall an' we'll do it then. 'Tis the only safe way.

 **SCENE XII – HARE PRISONER CHAMBER IN SALAMANDASTRON - DAWN**

Most of the prisoners are sleeping in the high mountain cell.

TORLEEP and SAILEARS are on duty rota, standing by the window, listening to see if they could hear any news from the chamber below them.

TORLEEP

Leans on the sill, rubs his red-rimmed eyes)

These two new brutes, Ripfang an' Doomthingy, not much at gossipin', are they? Snore snore all night, that's all they've blinkin' well done. I say, marm, what's the matter?

SAILEARS

(Facing the window, tries to keep her voice down as she explains the situation)

Don't move, Tor, stay completely still, eyes front. Don't turn 'round whatever y'do. There's a whackin' great bird of some sort perched on the window ledge. Bloomin' creature could take your head off with a single swipe of his beak from where he is. Don't move! Let me deal with this, wot.

SAILEARS (CONT'D)

(Puts on her most winning smile, speaks softly out of the window)

Dearie me, you are a fine big feller, ain't you? What brings you up here on a night like this, friend?

RULANGO

(For answer, lifts his leg)

SAILEARS

(Taken aback)

Well, biff me sideways, he's brought us a rope!

TORLEEP

(Turns slowly, finds himself staring into the RULANGO's fierce eyes, moves closer, waits a moment)

Well, he ain't taken m'head off, so he must be a friend come to help us. Am I right, sah?

RULANGO

(Nods twice, shakes the rope-draped leg)

Under RULANGO's watchful eye, SAILEARS unfastens the line and begins knotting it to an iron ring set in the wall.

SAILEARS

Take it from me, my fine feathered friend, if I were twenty seasons younger I still wouldn't live long enough to thank ye for the favor you've done us, wot!

TORLEEP

(Wakening the sleepers)

C'mon, chaps, up on y'paws, we're bein' rescued. Woebee marm, I'd be obliged if you keep the old voice down, wot!

Rulango flapped off into the greying dawn.

SAILEARS

(Has half of her body out of the windowspace, looks down)

Well, I'm blowed! Guess what? There's somebeast, a hare I think, tryin' to climb up the bally rope. Look at this, Torleep!

TORLEEP

(Squints down through his monocle)

By the left, you're right, marm, looks like a hare. Hey there, you chaps, lend a paw to haul the feller up here!

When STIFFENER MEDICK is eventually hoisted into the cell and they recognized their old companion, there is profuse hugging, kissing and paw shaking.

STIFFENER MEDICK

(Puts a paw to his lips, urges them not to make too much noise)

Coil the rest o' that rope in afore anybeast sees it, mates.

SCENE XIII – INSIDE SALAMANDASTRON - MORNING

DOOMEYE

(Lies back on a straw pallet, faces the long rectangular window of the chamber below the hares' cell, half asleep, rubs his eyes)

Ripfang, you awake, brother? Was that a rope I saw goin' up in the air just then?

RIPFANG

(Sits up, yawns)

Aye, 'twas prob'ly Groddil an' Fraul escaped. Tryin' to catch a passin' cloud, the fools was. Hawhawhaw!

DOOMEYE

(Probes at one eye, blinks furiously)

Musta been an eyelid dropped down over me eye. That blue dye plays 'avoc with my eyesight. Thought it was a rope!

RIPFANG

(Now up and about)

Y'never know, it mighta been. Let's go an' check on them longears they got locked upstairs.

DOOMEYE and RIPFANG never got that far. On emerging from the chamber they face with the sinister form of THE GRAND FRAGORL.

THE GRAND FRAGORL

(In her usual monotone)

His Mightiness would have words with you. Follow me.

 **SCENE XIV – UNGATT TRUNN'S BEDCHAMBER - DAWN**

UNGATT TRUNN looks as if he had passed a sleepless night. He sits in front of a blue-smoking brazier, draped in a silken blanket.

RIPFANG and DOOMEYE stand stiffly at attention, both thinking that he knows about the wanton slaying of MIREFLECK.

UNGATT TRUNN

(Surveys his two new captains from the corner of a red-rimmed eye)

You two were searats — you must have sailed many places and seen lots of strange things, eh?

RIPFANG

(Speaks for them both, eloquently)

'Tis so, Mighty One. Why d'yer ask?

UNGATT TRUNN

(Turns his eyes to meet RIPFANG's)

RIPFANG (CONT'D)

(Visibly quails as the frightening eyes of UNGATT TRUNN turn to meet his)

UNGATT TRUNN

Never answer a question with a question when speaking to me; that way you may live to see the next sunset. In all your travels, have you ever met a badger, a big beast who carries a double-hilted sword on his back? Think now, did you ever encounter such a creature?"

RIPFANG

No, Yer Mightiness, we never met such a beast, sire.

UNGATT TRUNN

(Dismisses them with a wave of his tail)

Leave me now. Go about your duties.

RIPFANG and DOOMEYE head towards the dining hall.

DOOMEYE

(Chuckles with relief)

Heehee, I thought 'e'd found out about Mirefleck.

RIPFANG

Shuttup, oaf. 'E will if'n yew keep shoutin' it 'round. Funny, though, 'im askin' about a badger like that?

DOOMEYE

Aye. I've never even seen a badger, 'ave yew?

RIPFANG

Not real like, but sometimes I gets 'orrible dreams about one, a big 'un, like Trunn said, but not carryin' a sword like the badger 'e wants t'know about.

DOOMEEY

Is that right? I never knew you dreamed about a badger, Ripfang. Er, 'ow d'you know wot a badger looks like if'n you ain't ever seen one?

RIPFANG

I never said I ain't heard of one! Look, will you shuttup about badgers? I don't like badgers, an' I can't 'elp it if I dream about one, can I? Let's go an' get some brekkist. I'm starvin'.

But breakfast is disappointing.

DOOMEYE

(Prods with his dagger at the tiny portion of mackerel on a dock leaf, wrinkles his nose, sniffs at it suspiciously)

One stingy liddle cob o' fish—goin' bad, too, I think. Is this all the vittles we gets? I thought we signed on fer better grub than rotten fish. 'Ey yew, c'mere!

BLUE HORDERAT COOK

(Salutes)

Anythink I kin do fer ye, cap'n?

DOOMEYE

Cap'n? Oh, aye. Wot's wrong wid the vittles 'round 'ere?

BLUE HORDERAT COOK

That's all there is, cap'n. Wish 'Is Mightiness'd get that fox of his to magic up some more provisions.

RIPFANG

(Puffs out his narrow chest, as if it was beneath him to bandy words with a mere low-ranking skivvy)

Right, well. Anythin' else to report?

BLUE HORDERAT COOK

(Informs RIPFANG, with an insolent grin)

Aye, two outside guards deserted, cap'n. There'll no doubt be a few more if'n the grubstakes don't improve.

RIPFANG

(Growing to dislike the cook, prods him several times on the end of the BLUE HORDERAT COOK's bulbous nose)

Bad fortune to 'em if'n they do—we'll fetch 'em back an' use 'em t'bait up the fish 'ooks. Now stop yer gossipin' an' git back t'work. Oh, those two who've gone missin'. Bring us their pieces o' fish—that's an order!" He nudged his brother and winked broadly at him. "One o' the joys of bein' a cap'n, eh!

Outside the weather is beginning to clear. Mist rises from the damp rocks and a warm breeze starts to sweep the clouds away. Summer has begun. It's to be a most memorable season for all.

 **SCENE XV – COURT OF KING BUCKO BIG BONES – DAWN**

The storm doesn't penetrated inland; but is driven upcoast and out to sea.

DOTTI

(Sits on the streambank, breakfasting on fresh fruit salad with her friends)

DOTTI is now under instruction as a contender for KING BUCKO BIG BONE'S crown.

LOG A LOG GRENN

(Reads out the rules which were delivered by the King's seconds)

Two days from now, the three events will commence: the Bragging, the Feasting and the Fighting. The Bragging will take place on the eve of day one. Whichever beast wins the Brag will be the creature voted by common consent of the crowd to have outbragged the other. Dawn of day two the Feasting will commence; the victor will be the one left sitting, still eating, at sunset, or until one creature yields to the other. Noon of day three is the Fighting. No weapons or any arms whatsoever are allowed to be taken into the ring. All supporters and seconds must have vacated the ring by the time the crown is dropped. The king has the right to decide whether the contest be from scratch, or moving freely. The moment one beast cannot rise and continue fighting, the other will be declared the winner. Note: in the event of Bragging or Feasting being won, lost, or declared a tie, the winner of the Fighting will be declared outright king. These are the approved rules!

FLEETSCUT

(Laughs scathingly)

Bucko's rules made by himself, eh? He's only got to win the jolly old Fighting an' he's home'n'dry, wot?

LOG A LOG GRENN

That's right, ole feller. King Bucko makes the rules in his own court — you've got t'be better'n him to change 'em!

FLEETSCUT

Aye, an' you've got to blinkin' well prove it, too!

LOG A LOG GRENN

(Turns to see two fit-looking young hares lounging nearby, taking everything in)

FLEETSCUT

(Turns to see two fit-looking young hares lounging nearby, taking everything in)

LORD BROCKTREE

(Growls)

I'll give you young whelps something to think about if you don't move yourselves!

The HARE TWINS move, not away, but closer. They're alike as peas in a pod. They speak alternately, beginning or finishing off sentences, as if each knew what the other was thinking.

FLEETSCUT

(Watches them closely as they addressed LORD BROCKTREE

SOUTHPAW

Don't get touchy, sah, we're on your an' the pretty one's side.

BOBWEAVE

Rather, on the pretty one's side especially, wot wot!

SOUTHPAW

I'm Southpaw, an' this fat ugly one's Bobweave!

BOBWEAVE

Fat ugly one? Go 'way, you bounder, let miss Dotti say. C'mon, miss, ain't I the best-lookin' one who cuts the finest figure? Tell the truth now!

FLEETSCUT

(Approaches them, paw extended)

I'll tell you the truth, you young rips. Bobweave an' Southpaw, eh? You're the orphaned twins, grandsons of Stiffener Medick. I can see it in you both, fightin' hares born an' bred, wot!

SOUTHPAW

Rather! How d'ye do, sah!

BOBWEAVE

Pleased t'meet you, old chap!

ALL

(Exchange greetings)

DOTTI takes an immediate liking to the twins. Though they have the biggest, toughest-looking paws she's ever seen on a hare, both were extra gentle when they shake her paw.

BROCKTREE

(Visibly changes his attitude, becomes quite cordial with them)

So, friends, you have the looks of two very perilous beasts. How can you help us?

FLEETSCUT

(Throws a sudden barrage of punches at them)

SOUTHPAW AND BOBWEAVE

(Still smiling and hardly taking notice, they repell every blow in a casually expert manner)

FLEETSCUT

(Nods)

Your grandpa talked about you night'n'day. Said you were the finest boxers on earth.

SOUTHPAW AND BOBWEAVE

(Shuffle modestly)

SOUTHPAW

Oh, we keep ourselves busy, sah.

BOBWEAVE

Always up t'the jolly old mark, y'know.

DOTTI

(Visibly bursting to ask the athletic pair a question)

Er, beg pardon, chaps, but if you two are so good, then why haven't you challenged King Bucko?

BOBWEAVE

Quite simple really, miss Dotti.

SOUTHPAW

Right. If I challenged Bucko an' floored him, then I'd be King Southpaw. But I couldn't give old Bobweave orders.

BOBWEAVE

True, miss, an' if I challenged Bucko an' won, I'd be King Bobweave. Hah—imagine me tryin' to give Southpaw orders?

SOUTHPAW

Besides, Bucko Bigbones, between you'n'me'n'the gatepost, he's a great big windbag, but he can be sly an' dangerous as well. Makes all his own rules—an' breaks 'em, too, wot!

JUKKA THE SLING

(Begins to wave her tail impatiently)

Then canst thou tell us how the maid will defeat him?

SOUTHPAW

Well, we can't tell you exactly, marm, but we can help her by pointin' out Bucko's weaknesses.

GURTH

Chuckles appreciatively)

Hur hur hurr, you'm be a-doin' us'n's a gurt favor if'n ee can, young zurrs. Tell away naow—we'm all ears!

RUFFGAR BROOKBACK

(Wags a serious paw at DOTTI)

So you see, miss, Bucko ain't no pushover. We got to figger how y'can use his faults agin him, upset his apple cart

SKITTLES

Smacka 'im tail wivva big stick. Dat's wot Skikkles do!

MIRKLEWORT

(Shoos her babe off with a dire warning)

H'I'll smack yore tail wid a big stick! Go an' play, yer liddle plague. Can't yer see this is a serious conservation?

SKITTLES

(Climbs up onto LORD BROCKTREE's sword hilt, sulks)

LORD BROCKTREE

(Reaches up, pats SKITTLE's paw)

Maybe Skittles has provided us with the answer!

GURTH

Burr, you'm mean smacken ee king's tail wi' sticks, zurr?

LORD BROCKTREE

(Scratches his stripes thoughtfully)

In a manner of speaking, yes. We smack his pride. Can you see what I'm getting at?

LOG A LOG GRENN

(Catches on the idea immediately)

Aye, that's 'ow Dotti'll win, by keepin' cool an' calm. Turn the jokes on Bucko, get the supporters on 'er side.

JUKKA THE SLING

(Beginning to warm to the plan)

Play the good-mannered, well-brought-up haremaid. Use thy wit against the braggart. Make him fall into his own traps!

BARON DRUCCO

Use his own weight against him. Duck an' weave!

FLEETSCUT

Aye, show him up to his supporters as a fraud an' a cad, wot!

LOG A LOG GRENN

Keep y'nose in the air an' dismiss Bucko as a ruffian!

GURTH

Hurr, make ee king wrassle ee, miz Dott. Doan't ee box 'im.

SOUTHPAW

Don't fret, miss, we'll show you one or two boxin' tricks!

BOBWEAVE

Rather, an' when he's least expectin' it, you can use 'em!

FLEETSCUT

Right! We'll outthink him at every turn!

 **SCENE XVI – COURT OF KING BUCKO BIG BONE'S - DAY**

All that first summer's day LORD BROCKTREE's ENTOURAGE sits on the streambank, working out a master plan.

DOTTI

(Practices her new role of a cool, calm, distant haremaid, has trouble avoiding the glances of SOUTHPAW and BOBWEAVE)

SOUTHPAW and BOBWEAVE

(Obviously smitten by DOTTI)

Every now and then SOUTHPAW and BOBWEAVE are so overcome that they move further up the bank and box the ears off one another.

EXT. COURT OF KING BUCKO BIG BONES – NOON

KUBBA

(Paddles up)

RUKOO

(Paddles up in a different log boat)

KUBBA

(KUBBA ships paddles and looked questioningly at LOG A LOG GRENN)

Wot's goin' on 'ere, marm? Are ye wagerin' on which of those two hares'll knock the other's block off first?

LOG A LOG GRENN

(Helps moor the log boats)

Somethin' like that. I'll tell ye about it later.

EXT. COURT OF KING BUCKO BIG BONES – DAY

BEGIN MONTAGE –

Over the next two days DOTTI wrestles with GURTH, is instructed in the art of boxing by SOUTHPAW and BOBWEAVE, and listens to the wisdom of her elders. It's all very helpful and instructive. Part of her training includes a strict diet: no food and precious little water. For a creature of her young appetite it was nothing less than sheer, brutal torture. When meals are served she's forced to sit in one of the logboats, guarded by RUFFGAR BROOKBACK, out of the sight of food and nurses a beaker filled with water with a light sprinkle of crushed oats added to it.

END MONTAGE

DOTTI

(Glares at RUFFGAR BROOKBACK)

Rotten an' stingy, that's what you lot are, miserable grubswipers. When I'm a kingess—or d'you think queen sounds better? — I'll banish the whole bally gang. Everybeast who refused a fatal young royal beauty a morsel, away with 'em!

RUFFGAR BROOKBACK

(Swipes her ears playfully)

'Tis only for yore own good, young 'un. You'll thank us for this one day.

DOTTI

Oh, an' pardon me, what day'll that be, sah, wot?

RUFFGAR BROOKBACK

(Glances over her shoulder, whispers)

Hush ye now, miss, 'ere comes Bucko hisself.

A light skiff with two ROYAL GUARDS plying it draws alongside.

KING BUCKO BIG BONES is seated beneath a canopy with a jug of pale cider and a trayful of pasties and tarts.

KING BUCKO BIG BONES

(Grins roguishly at his challenger)

Weel now, 'tis a bonny summer noontide, lassie. Would ye no care for a tart or a pastie…mebbe a beaker o' this guid pale cider? Join me, pretty one?

DOTTI

(Blinks serenely)

Thank you kindly, but I'd rather not. I've just finished quite a large luncheon.

KING BUCKO BIG BONES

(Bites into a tart, blackcurrant juice runs down his chin)

Mmm, nought like a fresh blackcurrant tartie, mah pretty!

DOTTI

(Takes a dainty sip of her clouded oatmeal water)

Nought like a fresh mountain hare, I always say. Kindly remove yourself downstream, sah, your table manners offend me. There may be a few mad toads down there who'd be glad of your company. Toads aren't too choosy, y'know.

KING BUCKO BIG BONES

(Bolts the rest of the tart, licks his paws)

Och, an' ye'd know aboot toads' manners, I ken?

DOTTI

(Gives him her sweetest smile)

Indeed I do. Mother always held them up to me as a bad example. Pity your mother hadn't the sense to show you.

KING BUCKO BIG BONES

(Scowls, tries to stand up)

The skiff sways.

KING BUCKO BIG BONES

(Irately)

Ah'll thank ye tae leave mah mither oot o' this. Another word aboot her an' I'll teach ye a braw sharp lesson!

DOTTI

(Stares down her nose at the irate king)

Pray save your threats until the appointed time, sah.

KING BUCKO BIG BONES

(Signals his ROYAL GUARDS to row on, calls back to DOTTI)

Ye'd do weel to mind that there's many a beastie got themselves slain by their ain sharp tongue!

DOTTI

(Waves delicately to KING BUCKO BIG BONES with a clean kerchief)

Just so, sah, an' you'd do well to know that there's many a creature with a sloppy tongue slipped an' broke their neck upon it. Toodleoo an' all that!

RUFFGAR BROOKBACK

(Squeezes DOTTI's paw as KING BUCKO BIG BONE's boat pulls upstream, his face wreathed in a big smile)

Full marks, miss. You was magnificent!

DOTTI

(Keeps up the pose, simpers and flutters her lids)

Why thank you, my good fellow. Did it earn one perhaps a smidgen of that woodland trifle which Gurth made, wot?

RUFFGAR BROOKBACK

(Shakes his head firmly)

'Fraid not, miss.

DOTTI

Yah, go an' boil your beastly head, y'great slabsided boatnosed planktailed excuse for a worthless water-walloper!

LORD BROCKTREE

(Pokes his striped head through the willow fronds)

Did our young lady say something then, Ruff?

RUFFGAR BROOKBACK

Bless 'er grateful liddle 'eart, she did, sir. She was just thankin' us fer all the trouble we're takin' over 'er eddication. She's fair overcome with gratitood!

LORD BROCKTREE

(Waggles his paw at DOTTI)

Mustn't get overexcited now, must we, missie? Time for your afternoon nap—remember 'tis the Bragging challenge tomorrow evening. Can't have you overtiring yourself, can we?

Sitting with the luncheon party, JUKKA THE SLING puts aside her bowl of cold mint tea. She listens wide-eyed to Dotti telling RUFFGAR BROOKBACK and LORD BROCKTREE what she thought of them.

JUKKA THE SLING

Zounds! Methinks yon haremaid could give young Grood a lesson in choice language. Grood, cover thy ears!

 **SCENE XVII – COURT OF KING BUCKO BIG BONES - EVENING**

It's the evening of the first day. Crowds gather at the log-bounded arena amid a festive air. There's music, singing, the sound of picnic hampers are shared and banter from supporters on both sides. Candied fruit and treasured possessions — knives, belts, tail and paw rings of precious materials, some studded with glinting stones — were changing paws as betting opened. As usual, KING BUCKO BIG BONES is the firm favorite. No one has ever seen him lose, so they weren't about to wager on an outsider.

The drums roll and a blast from a battered bugle blows.

KING BUCKO BIG BONES

(Entered the ring, with an honor guard of his cronies)

KING BUCKO BIG BONES wears a broad belt, cloak, two silver paw rings and a laurel-twined crown perched on his brow at a jaunty angle.

KING BUCKO BIG BONES (CONT'D)

(Whirls the cloak dramatically, sheds it, throws the garment to his minions, then he parades around the perimeter, acknowledges the cheers by leaping high, with one clenched paw held up)

DOTTI wears a demure cloak of light blue, with the slightest hint of a frill at its neck and a flowered straw bonnet.

JUKKA THE SLING

(Makes final adjustments to DOTTI's flowered straw bonnet)

MIRKLEWORT

(Makes final adjustments to DOTTI's flowered straw bonnet)

DOTTI

(Carries her bag, stands patiently while MIRKLEWORT and JUKKA THE SLING make final adjustments to her flowered straw bonnet)

SOUTHPAW

(Gallantly helps her over the log barrier)

BOBWEAVE

(Gallantly helps her over the log barrier)

DOTTI

(Enters the arena alone)

WOBBLE

Puffs himself up officiously, roars in his stentorian voice)

Gentlebeasts aaaaall! Praaay silence for the Braggin'. Kiiiing Bucko will not remove 'is crown for this h'event. The winnaaaah will be judged by the popular h'opinion h'of your very good selves. The challengeaaaaah this h'evenin' is Miss Dorothea Duckworthy Dillfontein h'of Mossflowaaaaah!

There's a smattering of applause.

DOTTI

(Taps WOBBLE)

Correction, my good sah, the name's Duckfontein Dillworthy. Would you kindly reannounce me, please?

WOBBLE

(Forced to comply with her request)

Gentlebeasts aaaaall! The challengeaaaaah this h'evenin' is Miss Dorothea Duckfontein Dillworthy h'of Mossflowaaaaah!

This brings a few encouraging laughs and some shouts.

HARE

That's the stuff, miss. You tell the ole windbag!

SQUIRREL

A gel that jolly well stands up for herself, wot. Good show!

WOBBLE

(Cuts them short with a glare, then shouted)

Let the Braggin' staaaaaaaart!

Silence falls on the crowd.

DOTTI

(Stands quite still in the center of the ring, says nothing)

KING BUCKO BIG BONES

(Paces about the edges, as if stalking her, suddenly does a splendid cartwheel and a breathtaking leap, lands very close to DOTTI)

DOTTI

(Doesn't flinch)

KING BUCKO BIG BONES (CONT'D)

(Begins his brag)

Yerrahooo! Ah'm the mighty monarch frae the mountains! Mah name's King Bucko Bigbones. Whit d'ye think o' that, mah bonnie wee lassie?

DOTTI

(Ignores him, waves cheerily to her friends)

Isn't he clever? He knows his own name. It must have taken him simply ages to learn it, wot?

There's a ripple of laughter from the crowd.

KING BUCKO BIG BONES

Stamps until dust rises, leaps clear over DOTTI's head)

DOTTI

(Still doesn't move from her place)

KING BUCKO BIG BONES

(Thrusts out his barrel chest, thumps it)

Ah'm nae feart o' anybeast. Ah wiz born on a moonless night 'midst thunder'n'lightnin'!

A hush follows.

DOTTI

(Carefully wiped a speck of dust from her paw with a lace-edged kerchief)

Tut tut, what dreadful weather you had. Did you get wet?

This time the laughter increases. Raucous guffaws are heard, some with a distinct mountain hare tone to them.

KING BUCKO BIG BONES

(Has to wait longer for the merriment to subside, his jaw and his paws clench tight, thrusts his face forward until eye to eye with DOTTI, his big voice booms forth)

Yerrahoo, wee beastie, have ye ever looked death straight in the eye, eh? Then look at him whit stands afore ye!

The crowd waits with bated breath.

DOTTI

Peers even closer at KING BUCKO BIG BONES, until her nose touches his)

Hmm, you do look a little peaky, sah. All that shouting can't be doing you much good—all that jumping about, too. Have you got a pain in your tummy, is that it?

Roars and hoots of laughter greet this remark. Creatures at the ringside wipe tears from their eyes.

HARE

Yahahaha! Pain in the tummy, that's a good 'un!

KING BUCKO BIG BONES

(Shaking all over, glares murderously at DOTTI, grips both paws, raises them over DOTTI's head as if he is going to bring them down and crush her)

DOTTI

(Nods in prim approval of his action)

Bit of exercise, sah, good! My mother always says exercise is the best cure for tummy ache. Come on now, hup! Down! Hup! Breathe through your nose, head well back, sah!

KING BUCKO BIG BONES

(Paws crash down, one of them catches her shoulder, knocking her slightly off balance)

DOTTI (CONT'D)

(Moves just as KING BUCKO BIG BONE's paws crash down, one of them catches her shoulder, knocking her slightly off balance)

The crowd booes.

SQUIRREL

Foul! Foul play, sir!

MOUSE

He struck the little haremaid!

Several HARES, BARON DRUCCO, RUFFGAR BROOKBACK and WOBBLE leap the logs and rush forward.

The HARES and BARON DRUCCO restrain KING BUCKO BIG BONES.

RUFFGAR BROOKBACK

(Places a paw about DOTTI)

WOBBLE

(Places himself between the contestants, bellows)

Disqualification! Yore Majesty 'as broke the roooools! No creature, h'I said nooooo creature, h'is allowed to strike h'another at a Braggin' challenge. H'out o' this h'arena, sire, h'out this very h'instant!

KING BUCKO BIG BONES

(Grabs his cloak, pushes through the crowd, knocks creatures this way, in his haste to flee the scene of his disgrace)

Jubilation reigns. DOTTI is swept shoulder high and carried around the ring several times. Stamping, whistling and shouting, the crowd cheers her to the echo.

GURTH

(Wave to her as she goes past)

FLEETSCUT

(Wave to her as she was borne past, visibly overjoyed)

I say, good show, absolutely top hole performance from the young 'un, eh, Gurth, wot wot!

GURTH

Hoo urr, our miz Dott winned fur'n'square, zurr, but she'm 'ave t'do wotten she'm be told, an' not go a-getten swell-'eaded. Ee king be still gurtly dangerous. Hurr!

When the shouting dies down, LORD BROCKTREE refuses numerous offers for DOTTI to attend feasts and parties in her honor.

LORD BROCKTREE

(Whisks DOTTI back to their camp beneath the willows, deaf to her protestations and appeals for food, orders)

Here now Dotti, go to sleep in that log boat there.

LOG A LOG GRENN

(Orders sternly)

You get some sleep now, young 'un. Fergit food. As of dawn tomorrer, yore goin' t'wish you'd never seen drink or vittles. The contest goes from sunrise to sunset—'twill be a long day for ye, so close yore eyes. You Guosim, keep yore eyes open, or ye'll answer to me!

Moreover, LOG A LOG GRENN and LORD BROCKTREE post sentries on the streambank, to ensure that DOTTI does as she's told.

SOUTHPAW and BOBWEAVE had been missing since the end of the Bragging contest. Supper is being served.

LOG A LOG GRENN

(Joins LORD BROCKTREE's ENTOURAGE on the streambank as supper is served)

Are those hare twins back yet?

BARON DRUCCO

(Peers out into the darkness)

No sign of 'em yet, marm. You know 'ares, they've prob'ly gone off to some celerybrayshun or other.

LOG A LOG GRENN

(Looks to MIRKLEWORT)

Celerybrayshun?

MIRKLEWORT

(Touches her snout knowingly)

Don't let our big words fool ye, marm—Drucco means they've gone off to a party. Oh no they 'aven't, 'ere they come now.

SOUTHPAW and BOBWEAVE slip into camp and help themselves to supper.

SOUTHPAW

Sooper dooper, scones with strawberry preserve, wot!

BOBWEAVE

An' hot mulled pennycloud'n'bulrush cordial. I say, you chaps certainly know your vittles from your vitals, eh!

GURTH

(Taps his digging claws impatiently)

Did ee get yon jobs, zurrs, tell us'n's?

SOUTHPAW and BOBWEAVE

(Laugh together, as if sharing a secret joke)

SOUTPAW

Oh, the jobs of waitin' on table, you mean?

BOBWEAVE

I'll jolly well say we did, eh, South?

SOUTHPAW

Rather. That old head cook'll do absolutely anythin' for three flagons o' pale cider, wot!

BARON DRUCCO

(Waddles angrily over to them)

So that's wot's 'appened to me fine pale cider. All three flagons! I was savin' that for me Season Spikeday!

MIRKLEWORT

(Clips one of BARON DRUCCO's headspikes neatly with her ax)

Stop moanin', Drucco, yew'll wake Skiddles. Lissen, if'n we wants the 'aremaid to win we've got to make sacriphones!

FLEETSCUT

(Chuckles)

Aye, an' some sacrifices, too, marm.

MIRKLEWORT

(Nods sagely)

Them, too!

LORD BROCKTREE

Takes off his sword, lies down by the fire)

Good. I hope this plan of yours and Ruff's works out, Grenn.

LOG A LOG GRENN

(Unsheathes her rapier, sticks it in the ground and lay down next to it)

Aye, I hope so, too. 'Tis costing the Guosim their last keg of old plum'n'beetroot wine!

RUFFGAR BROOKBACK

(Chides her)

Oh, come on, Grenn, stop whinin' about yore wine. Hoho, that's a good 'un, whinin' about wine!

LOG A LOG GRENN

(Doesn't see the joke)

We've carried that keg with us more seasons than I care to remember. There ain't a wine like it in all Mossflower — ask any Guosim. One drop of it can cure any ailment of 'ead or stomach. It can clear up coughs, sniffles an' colds in the wink of an eye, take my word for it!

BOBWEAVE

(Share the last of the scones)

Should do the trick then, wot!

SOUTHPAW

Aye, provided miss Dotti knows her blinkin' lines!

 **SCENE XVIII – COURT OF BUCKO BIG BONES - DAWN**

Dawn arrives bright and sunny.

RURO

(Shields her eyes as she glances skyward)

More like midsummer's day than the second day o' the season, what thinkest thou, Fleetscut?

DOTTI

(Walks with her friends to the Feasting Challenge)

FLEETSCUT

(Turns to DOTTI as she walks with her friends to the Feasting Challenge)

Goin' t'be what we hares call a bloomin' scorcher, marm! How d'ye feel today, young miss? Chipper, wot?

DOTTI

(Fervently)

Flippin' famished!

FLEETSCUT

(Stared at her sympathetically)

I know exactly what y'mean, miss. But remember, pace yourself. Don't go wallowin' in there an' scoffin' like a gannet in a ten-season famine. Cool an' jolly well calm, that's the ticket for you, m'gel, cool an' calm.

 **SCENE IX - COURT OF KING BUCKO BIG BONES - MORNING**

The crowd is already gathered around the arena, but they part to allow DOTTI's PARTY to enter the ring.

KING BUCKO BIG BONES is already there, surrounded by supporters. Appears to the gullible ones that he is the injured party.

A table with two chairs is laid in the center of the ring, bare save for two plates, two goblets and cutlery.

KING BUCKO BIG BONES is already seated, and

DOTTI

(Takes her place at the table's far side)

KING BUCKO BIG BONES

(Tilts his chair back onto two legs, smiles sarcastically)

Och weel, here the lassie is. Better late than never, eh? Don't weep, now — ah willnae raise a paw to ye, pretty one. But mind, ah'm wise tae all yer wee tricks noo, ye ken?

DOTTI

(Shakes out a clean kerchief, of which she had brought a goodly supply to use at table, greets him civilly)

Good morrow to you, sah. I hope you're in good appetite.

KING BUCKO BIG BONES

Dinnae fret yersel', lassie, ah could eat every morsel yon servers put up for both of us. Aye, an' still go hame an' enjoy mah dinner!

DOTTI

(Carefully wipes the rim of her goblet, not looking up)

You can? Oh, that is nice to know, sah!

Further conversation is curtailed as WOBBLE enters the ring, followed by a line of servers pulling trolleys laden with food and drink.

WOBBLE

(In a voice which hasn't lost none of its volume)

Hearken to me! H'attend all creeeeeeatures! Toooooday is the Feastin' challenge! Choice of vittles is left to the contestants, h'as is choice of drinks! No wastin' of fooood h'or drink by spittin' out or throwin' h'away. Theeeeee contest will take place until sunset, h'or until one or t'other contestant is unable to finiiiiiish! Let the Feastin' begiiiiiin!

The servers load food onto the table.

SOUTHPAW

(Sets lots of salad, both fruit and vegetable, on DOTTI's side, winks furtively at her)

Good luck, miss!

BOBWEAVE

Taps the keg of plum'n'beetroot wine, fills KING BUCKO BIG BONE's goblet, comes around to serve DOTTI)

DOTTI

(Covers her goblet with a paw)

I'll take water or cold mint tea, if y'please. That wine looks far too jolly strong for me.

KING BUCKO BIG BONES

(Swigs from his goblet, smacks his lips)

By the mountain rocks, that's a guid drop o' stuff! Ach, a shame et's too jolly strong for the wee lassie, but ah'm a King o' Hares, an' naething's tae strong for Bucko!

KING BUCKO BIG BONES piles salad, a wedge of cheese and an onion-and-leek turnover on his plate, and digs in eagerly.

DOTTI can tell that he, too, had been fasting. She piles salad on her plate, and forces herself to eat at a normal rate, though the ten chews per mouthful routine that her mother had enforced at home was too much for her.

KING BUCKO BIG BONES quaffs his wine and signals for a refill.

KING BUCKO BIG BONES

(Lettuce leaves, watercress and scallions hang from his mouth corners, gulps the lot, waves his fork at DOTTI)

Nibble away there, pretty missie, ah'll show ye the way a king eats. Mmmmff! This is braw wine, suits me fine! D'ye not fancy a dram of et, mah pretty?

DOTTI

(Dabs her lips with a kerchief)

No thank you, sah, I prefer mint tea.

KING BUCKO BIG BONES

(Holds his goblet daintily, mimics her)

I prefer mint tea, sah! Ach, away wi' ye, ye wee fuss-budget. Here noo, watch how a wild March hare warrior eats!

KING BUCKO BIG BONE's bolts down the wedge of cheese, tears apart a warm rye farl, stuffs it in his mouth, washes the lot down with another goblet of wine before attacking his turnover.

DOTTI is so hungry, after nearly three days, that she almost does likewise. However, she checks herself at the last moment, allowing SOUTHPAW to serve her some sliced apples.

EXT. COURT OF KING BUCKO BIG BONES – MIDMORNING

By midmorning DOTTI still maintains her sedate pace, even though she had eaten a latticed pear tart, some gooseberry crumble with meadowcream topping, two plates of vegetable salad and a plate of fruit salad.

This is only about a quarter of what KING BUCKO BIG BONES has eaten.

His supporters are yelling encouragement, egging him on.

HARE

Ye show her how 'tis done, sire!

ROYAL GUARD

Aye, scoff her under the table, Yer Majesty!

KING BUCKO BIG BONES digs his spoon into a steaming apple sponge pudding.

KING BUCKO BIG BONES

Ah'm verra partial tae apple sponge. Here, server, brang me yon pitcher o' custard so ah can pour et over this!

JUKKA THE SLING

(Murmurs to BARON DRUCCO)

Keep silent now. Don't encourage her to eat fast—leave that to yonder bigboned fool.

BARON DRUCCO

(Can't help shaking his head in admiration)

By the spike, that longear king can scoff, though, no doubt about that. The beast's a glutlet!

JUKKA THE SLING

(Nods)

Yew mean 'e's a blutton, ain't I right, Ruff?

RUFFGAR BROOKBACK

(Nods, knowing it's useless to argue)

Correct, marm. Look, Bucko's callin' the referee over!

WOBBLE listens as the king registered his complaint.

KING BUCKO BIG BONES

Ah'm fair sweatin', ye ken—yonder sun's beatin' doon on mah heid like a furnace. Can ye no brang me a sunshade?

WOBBLE goes ringside and consults with several other pompous-looking bankvoles. After much paw-waving and arguing, the huddle brakes up and he returns to the table.

WOBBLE

H'I'm h'afraid there's nothin' in the rules that says you can 'ave a sunshade, sire!

KING BUCKO BIG BONES

(Forced to eat on as he questions the decision, swigs wine, sets about a heavy fruitcake)

Weel now, mah guid feller, is there anythin' in yon rules whit states that ah cannot have a sunshade?

KING BUCKO BIG BONES (CONT'D)

(Steals one of DOTTI's used kerchiefs, mops at his brow while WOBBLE considers the quandary)

WOBBLE

Hmmm, er, yes, well. Tell you wot h'I'll do, sire. H'if the young miss requires a sunshade, then you shall both be h'entitled to 'ave one. But if'n she don't, sire, then h'I'm h'afraid you'll 'ave to do widout the sunshade, sire. Miss Dorothea, do you want h'a sunshade, miss?

DOTTI

(Nibbles a woodland trifle thoughtfully)

Not really, thank you, 'tis far too nice a day. Actually I quite enjoy the early summer sun, don't you, sah?

WOBBLE

(Shrugs apologetically to KING BUCKO BIG BONES)

There you 'ave it, sire—no contestant shall 'ave unequal advantage of the other. You'll 'ave to feast on. Sunshades are out, h'I'm h'afraid!

KING BUCKO BIG BONES

(Sprays cakecrumbs as he glowers at DOTTI)

Ah'll still beat ye, wee miss prissypaws!

KING BUCKO BIG BONES downs another two goblets of wine, cold from the keg.

EXT. COURT OF KING BUCKO BIG BONES – NOON

It's midday. The sun's beating down on both contestants.

DOTTI is full. She doesn't want to look at, smell, or taste any more food that day, but she carries on, keeping up a good front. She marvels that KING BUCKO BIG BONES, hot and perspiring as he was, carried on bolting down huge quantities of food.

KING BUCKO BIG BONES eats indiscriminately now, not choosing one thing over another. Pies, puddings, breads, salads, flans and pasties are devoured without favoritism. He slops the wine about quite a bit, but is still going at it. KING BUCKO BIG BONES, like all March hares, is unpredictable. He wolfs his way through a strawberry shortcake.

KING BUCKO BIG BONES

(Pauses, winks at DOTTI)

Ye can'nae defeat me by consumin' yer vittles slow. Hohoho, ah'm watchin' ye, pretty one. Weel now, two can play at that wee game, missie—ah can eat as slow as ye. Aye, an' still be settin' here taenight at sunset!

DOTTI

(Puts aside her mint tea, chose a small almond tart, appears slightly disturbed)

KING BUCKO BIG BONES

(For the first time, notices that DOTTI appeared slightly disturbed)

DOTTI

(Fusses about wiping her spoon)

Then do so, sah—'tis no concern of mine at what rate you fill your flippin' face!

KING BUCKO BIG BONES

(Grins triumphantly, begins chewing his food slowly, drains his goblet leisurely, picks up a honeyed scone, slowly chews it, ever so slowly, washing it down with lingering draughts of wine)

EXT. COURT OF BUCKO BIG BONES – MIDAFTERNOON

Shortly before midafternoon, most of the onlookers move into the willow shades on the streambank.

DOTTI plods on with a single slice of dry bread, hating the very thought of food, her appetite completely sated.

SOUTHPAW and BOBWEAVE ignore her, focusing all their attention on KING BUCKO BIG BONES. They refill his goblet, heap up his plate, lean over him as they do and yawning.

Bees buzz somewhere nearby, not a breeze disturbs the hot noon air, the remainder of the crowd at the ringside had fallen silent.

KING BUCKO BIG BONES

(His eyelids began to droop, his head started to nod forward onto his chest, a morsel of wild cherry turnover slipped from his half-open mouth)

BOBWEAVE

(Winks at DOTTI)

DOTTI

(Holds her breath)

KING BUCKO BIG BONE's half-filled goblet topples gently over onto the tabletop. He doesn't seem to notice.

KING BUCKO BIG BONE's

(His eyelids drooped lower…lower…then closed softly, his ears flopped forward and he started to snore)

DOTTI

(Continues eating as silently as she could, nibbles on the same slice of bread)

After what seemed like an age DOTTI sees LORD BROCKTREE stamp heavily across to WOBBLE.

WOBBLE

(Blinks, as if he himself had not been caught napping, WOBBLE struggles upright)

Ahem, you shouldn't really be 'ere in the ring, sire.

LORD BROCKTREE

(Nods in solemn agreement)

I know, sir, and I apologize, but from this angle you can hardly see that one of your contestants has stopped eating.

WOBBLE

Where, er, what, er, stopped h'eatin' ye say, sire?

WOBBLE waddles anxiously across to the table.

DOTTI

(Stops eating her bread to point at KING BUCKO BIG BONES)

I'm terribly sorry, but this chap's been like that for quite a while now. Would you wake him, please?

KING BUCKO BIG BONES can't be wakened.

KING BUCKO BIG BONES

(Head falls forward onto an apple pie, lies there snoring lustily)

WOBBBLE

(Extremely upset, climbs onto the table, takes care not to tread on any food, shouts)

Miss Dorothea, erm, erm, Miss Dorothea the winnaaaaah!

WOBBLE

(Roars about how KING BUCKO BIG BONES has forfeited the day by not being able to continue, quoting chapter and verse of the rules (set down by Bucko himself), calls on the other judges to bear him out as witnesses)

KING BUCKO BIG BONES sleeps on, oblivious of what is going on around him.

A crowd of mountain hares lifts him onto a food trolley and bares him off. Still snoring, with his cheek resting in an apple pie. Defeated!

 **SCENE XX – COURT OF KING BUCKO BIG BONES - DAY**

FLEETSCUT, BOBWEAVE and SOUTHPAW set about demolishing the remainder of the feast.

DOTTI

(Tries not to watch them, her eyes glaze over in disgust)

Yuurgh! How can you dreadful savages even think of food! I never want t'see another flippin' pie, bloomin' pudden, or blinkin' salad again in my young an' fatally beautiful life, d'ye hear? Get all vittles out o' my sight!

The trio obey her instructions with alacrity.

SOUTHPAW

Gettin' these painful reminders out o' your sight, miss. I say, don't hog all that trifle, old lad!

BOBWEAVE

Rather! We'll try not to prolong the agony, miss. Pass the scones an' honey, will you, Fleet!

FLEETSCUT

Pass 'em yourself — you young rips are too fast for me. A bit of respect for age, please. That damson pudden's mine! Desist, wretch, or I'll report you to your grandpa, wot!

LORD BROCKTREE

(Eyes twinkle as he shakes DOTTI's paw)

Two down, one to go, miss. That was a decisive victory, I'd say. I wonder if they've managed to wake Bucko yet?

DOTTI

(Twitches her ears disapprovingly)

D'you know, sah, I've got a feeling we cheated.

LOG A LOG GRENN

(Replaces the bung in her wine keg, hold it up, shakes it, listens to the swish it makes)

Nearly 'alf a keg the blaggard supped. Cheated, you say, young 'un? We never cheated at all. Bucko defeated himself by showin' off an' bein' so greedy—ain't that so, Jukka?

JUKKA THE SLING

Aye, 'tis true, miss. 'Twas no small thing to vanquish him at his own game, in his own court, an' under his own rules. Bucko had defeated all comers, I'll warrant, by fair means or foul, until he met thee. Thou art a worthy champion!" Dotti attempted to rise and fell back, holding her waist. "Y'mean I'm an overstuffed wreck. D'y'know, I think my ears have gone fatter!

JUKKA THE SLING (CONT'D)

(Heaves DOTTI upright, a smile hovers on her normally serious features)

Up ye come! Grenn, take her other paw. Methinks a good long walk until nightfall will cure thee, miss. If that proves useless there is always an old squirrel remedy for one who has overeaten, eh, Fleetscut?

FLEETSCUT

(Glares at JUKKA THE SLING, he hadn't forgotten)

Take the walk, young 'un, tramp about 'til your bally paws feel ready t'drop off. If y'don't I know what'll happen. That bushtailed poisoner'll boil up half the woodlands in a pot an' sit on you 'tll y'drink it. Take my word, just the smell of that squirrel's foul concoction'd make a worm gag, and rot the feathers off a blinkin' buzzard!

LORD BROCKTREE and RUFFGAR BROOKBACK watch DOTTI totters off between JUKKA THE SLING and LOG A LOG GRENN.

RUFFGAR BROOKBACK

(Sits back on his rudder)

Our liddle Dotti, eh, a future Queen o' Hares. Who'd 'ave thought it?

LORD BROCKTREE

(Confidently)

I would, friend, that's why I chose her. That young 'un has courage, nerve and wit. She'll make a truly perilous queen.

SKITTLES

(Seated on the great sword hilt)

Tchah, she still gorra biff Bucko tomorrer. I fink she be's too likkle for dat!

LORD BROCKTREE

(Looks over his shoulder at SKITTLES)

Aye, you've got a point there, wretch. Under Bucko's rules, Dotti's two wins count for nothing if he beats her tomorrow. Our plans and her work will have been all for nothing.

SKITTLES

Hah, B'ock plan 'arder an' work more. Skikkles 'elp!

LORD BROCKTREE

(Tickles SKITTLE's footpaw affectionately)

Well said, mate. I wish I'd been as clever as you when I was a badgerbabe.

SKITTLES

(Scoffs at the idea)

Chahah, no likkle one's cleverer'n Skikkles, not no big 'uns neiver. Me cleverer in all d'world, ho aye!

RUFFGAR BROOKBACK

(Murmurs solemnly to LORD BROCKTREE)

I wouldn't argue with 'im, mate. He's got hold o' the sword!

RUFFGAR BROOKBACK, LORD BROCKTREE and SKITTLES walk back to the camp under the willows together.

FADE OUT:

THE END


End file.
